Live Oak — Okay. It’s our turn! This is the week leading up to the Jan. 31 Florida presidential primary and - yippee-ki-yay - all the national media attention that accompanies it. Aren’t we lucky!?  

In other words, another week filled with “talking heads” on TV news shows spending seemingly endless hours pontificating about the remaining GOP candidates and their chances for victory.  The only break will be the commercials, many of which will consist of political attacks filled with lies and/or half-truths, often paid for by fellow republicans or their cronies. Of course, just as soon as the party’s nomination is sewn up, the losers will nearly break their necks getting in front of TV cameras to utter, “Just kidding,” as they lust at a shot to be vice president, a cabinet member or an ambassador.

Based on what has already transpired in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, for the average Floridian the next several days will be a process not unlike a root canal, except a heck of a lot more painful and without the benefit of novocain! So I thought it might be wise if this week’s column provided Live Oak residents with a few “pre-presidential primary tips.”  

Caution: If you go to any sizeable Florida city this week, look in all directions before stepping out on the sidewalk, otherwise you could end up trampled by competing candidates desperate for your support. They will almost certainly offer their hands - which have been God only knows where - and expect you to be honored with a handshake. Now, good manners dictate that you accommodate them. How soon you wash your hand afterward will most likely depend on your political leanings.  

By the way, in a county this small it is unlikely we will actually see any of the major candidates campaign unless of course one of them needs a potty break while racing from Tallahassee to Jacksonville. (Thus my hand-washing recommendation takes on even greater importance.) There is always the possibility however that one of the candidate’s relatives will campaign here. A town this size can probably expect someone like a cousin by marriage, twice removed.   

Now another piece of advice relates to how you should deal with the national news media, if an encounter takes place. After all, as the sun follows the moon, a gaggle of reporters will follow the candidates all seeking that memorable “man on the street” quote. So if you are looking for your 15-minutes of fame, plan now on what to say and make sure your opinion can be expressed in 10 or 12-seconds. I recommend practicing in front of the bathroom mirror. If your sound bite is something like, “I’d like to shoot the SOB,” it will probably be used. On the other hand, I guarantee it will also generate a quick visit by a team of armed, humorless men in dark suits and sunglasses.

By now, I suspect you can tell I am a cynic when it comes to national elections. A lengthy career in the news business will do that to you. I’m not a fan of either major political party, to the point that I’ve spent most of my life registered, “non-aligned.” Unfortunately, that bars me from participating in Florida primaries, so I tend to “re-register” for major contests, like the upcoming GOP face-off. It’s guys like me that drive uncompromising democratic and republican loyalists up a wall - which I think is only fair, considering the number of times their partisan shenanigans have driven me up that same wall.   

At any rate, the national election process has become so nasty and so dominated by special interest groups and their money, the next time I re-register; it just might be as, “despondent!”

Jim lives in Live Oak.