Live Oak — If you caught last week’s column, you know it was all about graveyards.

Well, in doing Internet research for that piece, I made a discovery. It appears one of the newest innovations in burials may eventually be the option of having a “chatting headstone” placed atop your grave.

It seems an enterprising fellow named Robert Barrows out of Burlingame, California has filed a patent application for the so-called talking tombstone memorial. That’s according to an article by Al Sacco on cio.com, a web page dedicated to technology advances.

Sacco writes, “The concept is simple. Put a video playback device and a TV monitor in a hollowed-out headstone and operate it with a remote control---just like the TV in your living room.” The headstone would also include built-in speakers, he says.

The inventor, Barrows, maintains everyone has a story or message they’d like to leave to the world and his talking tombstone concept finally grants the deceased that ability.

I don’t think the talking tombstone is being marketed yet. If it is, I couldn’t find any contact information…and I sure looked.

I have mixed emotions about the whole concept. I mean, funerals are already pretty expensive, with the average cost of a burial now totaling several thousand dollars.  

Would I want my kids to spend the extra money on a talking tombstone? I’d have to think long and hard about that. After all, they seldom listened to anything I had to say me when I was alive, so why in the heck would they start when I was dead?!

Of course, I could have a little fun with the concept. For instance, if I had a talking tombstone, I think I’d shoot for a message that would be unforgettable. A message that would be worth mentioning to friends and family. That doesn’t mean it would deal with some deep philosophical idea, such as my interpretation of the meaning of life.

No, in my case, I envision something far more practical.  

Imagine for a moment someone walks up to the front of my talking headstone. They push the play button and my bearded face suddenly pops up on the TV screen. And at this point I holler, “Hey you! Yes, YOU! Move! You’re standing on my chest!”

My alternate talking tombstone scenario goes like this; you push the play button and my face pops up, at which time I whisper, “Psst! I never told anyone this before, but I saved a bucket-load of money. It’s all yours. I put it in a strong box and buried it in….

At which point the screen would suddenly go blank!

I told you I’d strive for memorable messages.
In reality, I don’t plan on being buried.    

Cremation has always been my preferred exit strategy. My survivors would then be asked to take my ashes to some beautiful, but remote north Florida pasture, filled with nothing but grazing cattle and a few ancient oaks. There, my remains would be cast to the winds, eventually settling and nurturing the soil below bovine hoofs.

The process seems a somehow fitting climax to my existence.

After all, through the decades, I’ve often been accused of being full of BS. So the way I look at it, I might just as well end up amongst it!

Jim lives in Live Oak.